Have you ever thought or uttered a phrase like, “I’ll just start over tomorrow”, especially in terms of your nutrition or exercise plan?
Of course you have. So have I. It’s a common thought that occurs when we screw up doing (or not doing) something to which we had previously committed.
And though it seems innocent enough, it actually erodes our belief system and self-image by creating a negative feedback loop.
First, “tomorrow” is often just the next time frame that we subjectively feel we’ll be motivated enough to honor our previous commitment. Besides the fact that waiting for motivation is an ineffective strategy where action is required, we’re also poor judges of when motivation will strike. Which means that “tomorrow” typically gets pushed off for another day, week, month, or even longer!
Second, “starting over” implies that the action we did or didn’t take is valuable solely as part of some random streak instead of as a necessary step on the road to mastering a skill or achieving a goal. Which is ultimately why we committed in the first place.
Finally, and most importantly, the idea of starting over ignores the learning and progress that we’ve made from our past efforts. Even if we’ve regressed to a state worse than our original starting point, we’ve at least learned what doesn’t work and aren’t actually re-starting from zero.
Over time, these three conditions create a self-image of constantly treading water, and the associated feelings lead us to continue acting in ways that reinforce that self-image.
So how do we change our language to break the cycle and build a self-image that pushes us to take the actions that deliver the results we’re after?
With two simple strategies:
- Speaking (and thinking) in the present instead of future tense.
- Making neutral statements instead of those infused with (often subtle, negative) emotion.
For example, the following two statements/thoughts seem to be positive and helpful on the surface, but have some subtle undertones:
- “I should go to the gym today.”
- The word “should” implies that we might not actually go. And the “moral obligation” can make us feel crappy if we don’t follow through.
- “I will go to the gym today.”
- The removal of “should” makes this a little better. But the future tense (i.e. “will go”) still leaves room for motivation to sneak out the back door.
The following two statements/thoughts put the action in the present tense, keep the emotion out, and are much better options than the two above:
- “I go to the gym on Wednesdays. Tomorrow is Wednesday, so I’m going at 6 AM.”
- “I’m going…” describes a future event, but it’s stated in the present tense—”I am going”. Subtle. But the pattern-matching blobs between our ears are smart and pick up on stuff like that.
- “If it’s 6 AM on Wednesday, then I go to the gym.”
- Again, present tense and matter-of-fact. Also, the “if… then…” format, also known as an implementation intention, is a practical and effective method for triggering and building habits.
One last caution: You might think that adding some positive emotion would be even more beneficial, but that’s a double-edged sword.
“I love going to the gym on Wednesdays at 6 AM” would likely be helpful if it’s true, in which case it’s probably what you naturally think to yourself already.
But, again, our pattern-matching brains are always on the lookout, consciously or otherwise, for discrepancies in our thinking.
So if what you really love on Wednesday mornings at 6 AM is staying in your warm, comfortable bed until the sun comes up, then your brain is going to call B.S. on the statement above and is much more likely to keep you in bed.
Putting it into practice
Think of a situation in which you often find yourself saying, “I’ll start over tomorrow…”
How might you change your current language to recognize the learning and progress you’ve already made in the endeavor? And to build or fortify your self-image as a person pursing mastery as opposed to treading water?
If you spend some time answering those questions now and set an additional intention to use your new terminology, then you’re much more likely to do so when the moment counts. (If you’re not sure how to change the language, consider starting with or stealing this: “Ooops, I goofed. Guess I’m not perfect, but starting now I’m back on the road to progress.”)
It sounds simple, but the positive effects it’ll have on your belief system and self-image will compound over time. And while belief that you can do something doesn’t guarantee results, results don’t occur without belief.
So take care what you say (and think) because, sooner or later, you’ll start to believe it.